It's so embarrassing seriously...
A while back, I wrote an essay on the epiphany that, as women, our hormone cycles affect so much of our lives that we don’t even think about and whilst I only briefly touched on the men’s equivalent, posting it made me realise there’s so much more to men’s experiences that intrigues me. Men are a fascinating breed, in a world built by them, for them, they still concern themselves quite strongly with fitting in and the taboo of standing out as an individual whilst still fixating on the idea of a hierarchy and constantly lusting to be seen as ‘the alpha’. But what most beckons me to the investigation, is that one retort men give to their peers if someone’s just a little bit too abnormal… they’re gay.
Gay is bad: or judging by the context it’s used in, it must be? It’s still quite funny to hear insecure guys call each other gay, because whilst we still have a long way to go with acceptance of queer people, the normalisation of gay men has become far more ingrained into society than it was twenty years ago, when it wasn’t even legal for a man to marry his boyfriend. We know it’s a word we shouldn’t be using as an insult, and I wonder if that’s what makes it more amusing when it’s used in a half-ironic situation, but there does seem to be a pattern of where in a conversation it appears which makes me think there may be some seriousness to the term, even if it is disguised by humour. It can sometimes correlate to stereotypically ‘gay’ things like caring about fashion, pop stars or ordering a fancy cocktail rather than a beer, but then where it starts to baffle me is when having compassion for those around you, talking about your feelings or even just hugging your friends is gay. To dare going even further, I’ve seen it used in the situations that if you care about something you’re doing just a bit more than normal, that could be gay, but in all of these situations it starts to sound like they’re either scared of being perceived as feminine, or maybe just being scared of being different altogether. Obviously, I’m not talking about all men in this analogy, I would never have been able to get as much feedback and material to write this if I hadn’t had a strong calibre of male friends with different opinions if all guys had the same attitude to calling someone gay. It is important to keep in mind though, despite being in the circles that consider questions like this, we’re not always as close to those who concern themselves with derogatory sexuality references but it doesn’t mean this isn’t ever-prominent. I find it easy to forget what the majority of men can be like in the real world but it is striking whenever I step out into the city centre with my headphones off and hear how so many talk to each other and conduct themselves, even if I just spend a bit too much time online it’s easy to stumble on something similar, except then I have to take care to dodge incel and manosphere content, however much it’s pathetic and ridiculous, these people are right around the corner. And they’re terrified of looking over our way.
Gay is different: I believe the backbone of the stigma towards being gay is based on individuality and the fear of it, but there’s so much I still can’t wrap my head around. How can so many men be so driven to amount to nothing and have no personality? Why do they condemn originality so much to only writhe about being unable to express themselves around their friends? I do appreciate there’s been a much stronger voice given to men’s mental health services more recently, because clearly ‘the boys’ need therapists, but I would suspect some men would even say therapy is gay, because manly men don’t let their feelings get to them! Boys don’t cry! Boys… don’t have feelings? So many guys have grown up with these values that they have to be strong and not show emotion, but I do wonder at what point it became gay, and at what point gay became a threat. Following these beliefs, men should be strong, aloof and bottle up every feeling that could be stronger than them, but these same men are the ones perpetuating the taboo of sharing your feelings and finding solace with your closest friends - because that’s gay. The consequences of this aversion to self expression is so damaging, trapping themselves into a prison of needing validation through promiscuity, exercise routines or popularity but through this has bred the manosphere, incels and other extreme ideologies of insecure men who don’t feel appreciated. The type that blame women for not finding their aggression attractive, or the world for not praising their inactivity. They hate everything so they decide it’s better to focus on themselves all the time, rather than focus on the care of others, but when they care for themselves, they’re caring about what will make the other roadmen and football fans more intimidating rather than what will express their personalities the best. But what I love, is whilst they crave others bowing down to them and flocking to them like sheep out of their ‘alpha’ qualities and formidable nature, they all still cower before the idea of being perceived as gay, which by their own logic makes that the real alpha, the real iron fist over every male powerhouse, and if that sounds nonsensical to us I can’t imagine how absurd it would sound when put like so to these alphas and sigmas.
The consequences of this aversion to self expression is so damaging, trapping themselves into a prison of needing validation through promiscuity, exercise routines or popularity but through this has bred the manosphere, incels and other extreme ideologies of insecure men who don’t feel appreciated. The type that blame women for not finding their aggression attractive, or the world for not praising their inactivity. They hate everything so they decide it’s better to focus on themselves all the time, rather than focus on the care of others, but when they care for themselves, they’re caring about what will make the other roadmen and football fans more intimidating rather than what will express their personalities the best. But what I love, is whilst they crave others bowing down to them and flocking to them like sheep out of their ‘alpha’ qualities and formidable nature, they all still cower before the idea of being perceived as gay, which by their own logic makes that the real alpha, the real iron fist over every male powerhouse, and if that sounds nonsensical to us I can’t imagine how absurd it would sound when put like so to these alphas and sigmas.
Gay isn’t masculine: I think that’s what they’re trying to say. If it were as simple as boiling it down to biology, it could be that they associate less testosterone with less masculine features aesthetically which would make them appear softer and perhaps weaker physically, are gentle men less manly, or would it signify a homosexual just because they’re not concerned with the level of macho the female species typically looks for in a mate? But even if this was the case, they would’ve been centuries behind the times on both what attracts a woman and what is truly perceived as masculine energy. Since we’re not hunting game and building fires in caves anymore, the factors that determine a ‘high value male’ as they like to say have changed dramatically. Within human civilisation, it tends to be based off of social status and wealth, since this is what seems to keep our societies moving. In the 2000s, women were attracted to boy bands pouring their hearts out about the girl they love on a stage, dancing and singing with all their other boys, in the 80s men wore crop tops and bright colours to express themselves and stand out, in the 40s as men trooped off to war they were still finding ways to keep photos of their beloveds with them and write them love letters whenever they could. If history is what truly sets the standards, the dandy craze of the 1830s saw men priding themselves on hygiene and the sublime pairings of stockings and handkerchiefs they could flaunt. And now it’s what? Peak masculinity and sign of an apex heterosexual is 3am morning routines for self-care, hyper-fixation on a desk job and lack of long term female partner who’s anything beyond subservience and occasional sex? Unless that’s the joke, that they behave in such women-adverse ways that to act in a way that attracts a woman is gay, it’s just simple sarcasm and irony but that might be somewhat farfetched. On the other side of this is the men who act in ways women are known to appreciate so that they can score a partner through fake-it-til-you-make-it stardom. Matcha drinkers, book readers, Clairo listeners, Stardew Valley players… but there’s something equally as disappointing there. It goes without saying that to put on a mask of exactly what women want to see just to reveal a lackluster and opposite character buried below feels like deception, but then for those men who are in fact just enjoying these things because it genuinely is who they are, suddenly they’re performative, attention-seeking and gay. It’s disappointing for those men who really do speak up about their distaste for the hole they’ve dug down into, they hate being surrounded by guys who they know would laugh at them or risk losing friendships if they wore a skirt or wanted to play DND with and it wasn’t a shared notion, but then to what point can a man preach his frustration before it’s seen as just another performative stunt to attract women who’ve known this to be the case for generations? There’s an analogy for women’s attitude to men regarding harassment dangers and it’s that if you were handed a box of ten chocolates and told one was faeces covered in chocolate, you’d be wary of every single treat, maybe against going near them at all and I wonder how much this would apply to when men speak out about these troubles. For the sake of this article, I’ve tried to listen to those around me who bring this topic up and otherwise out of curiosity but I seem to be realising is that there’s some kind of no-man’s land between those who will call you gay and those who think you’re pretending as a way to appear more attractive.
It’s so sad for them, but then it’s sadder to remember it was only men who contributed to this cycle of normalising insecurity and conformity and now that women have the ability to earn our own money, jobs and houses, if men behave in ways we don’t like, nothing’s forcing us to put up with them around. If it’s truly all for female validation, I wonder how long it’ll take for them to realise the ones they’re calling gay are the ones with girlfriends, or if it’s about clinging onto herd mentality, it’s up to them to decide if they prefer strength in numbers or in self-worth. Until then, they might just keep digging themselves deeper, but then at least the rest of us have more chance to ignore their nonsense and move on with our lives.